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Written by : Nikki Kinloch |
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we are speaking about raising strong-willed children and we have an expert our super nanny Deborah Tillman thank you so much for being here thanks so much for having it's so exciting because I watch your show all the time and we also we have we share our manager so we love her but when I saw your show and just sitting down I was just telling you that I watched like ten episodes back-to-back because I'm a first-time mom and we're speaking about how to raise a strong-willed child does that start this is a discipline norm well actually we gotta say you you have a strong-willed child I have a strong you were a strong-willed child hmm I have a strong-willed child my daughter's 15 your daughter's not even two yes well yeah it's a it's a kind of a question so we thought you know what maybe we get that Debra Tolman she kind of knows about this stuff so so how do you raise a little child well we like strong-willed children okay you do like we do um and America should um everybody should because they're very clear about what they want in life yes and if you steer them the right way they could wind up being great leaders hmm and so that's what you really want the problem which all clear them the right way they can't grow up to be tyrants is that yeah it could be a Hitler or are you right which is which is bad yeah yeah so you want to set out guidelines and principles early on you really have to let them know that you're the parent okay you are in control but you don't want to do it in a way that's gonna create a battle with them well before we get into that why is it that in this generation in our generation parents seem to have no ability to say I'm the parent you're it's almost like the boomer generation created people that want to be kids forever and they feel uncomfortable saying I'm the parent you're the kid what do you say to that parent that says I don't know how to do that yeah well there's whole reasons the whole lot of reasons why that whole thing started you know we got the generation of the latchkey kids and then the parents started feeling guilty because they had to spend a lot of time at work guilt the guilt factor and the guilt factor really does resonate with a lot of my families that I go to across this country I mean just the fact that I'm not been enough time with them so let me give them something and I keep telling parents stop giving children things give them your heart give them your experience your time to Kate with them yes because to a child time means love everything and everything you love me you'll spend time with me not you love me you'll give me an iPad well yeah because and then that they react to every adult that way in the level of respect that's right if it's not established you know if your mom is not saying this is your aunt and you need to respect her when she comes into the room give her a kiss it's just say hello or just say hello and get off your phone which I feel if you expensable well we we've lost we had old school parents I mean your mother my parents they would not put up with any money like we're the parents and if he does I'll kill you right so we were good kids yeah but today it does seem that that parents are they have a problem with that they've lost their edge um because they've lost their way and I think for me when I go into houses I try not to be judgmental the biggest thing for me is to go in and to help them cuz really it starts with a parent it don't know they say my kid does this my conductor and look at my kid Deborah see see see Deborah see pointing out all the negative things with your children and then I'm like yeah but turn that pointer at your son fortunately yes you're just like yelling and screaming at your husband yeah and the kids are right there watch well because children model their behavior they mimic of what they said actually that's the big wow I'm sorry which you just said to mimic the behavior what when I see couples and this is a rule my wife and I have we could kill each other in private but never argue and undermine each other in front of the children that's like number one and I mean that's yeah it's the worst thing a spouse can do the other spouse assures it's to do that and even when you have single parents you know I find a lot of times where the mom or dad will you know talk about the other parent in a negative way into a child the child says I come from both of you and so when you're talking about daddy there's something wrong with me there's a hole in my soul right because you're talking about him so bad or you know you're just gonna grow up to be just like your father nothing you know when you speak those words out of your mouth into the atmosphere you're just you're destroying their divine destiny yeah that's not okay yeah that's powerful and so okay so the first is consistency boundaries factory boundaries so how does a mother not feel ah like like oh they're feeling rejected by said you set those boundaries in a positive way cuz sometimes I feel like no I just want to have my time if you tell your child you know like I just want some time alone how do you not make them feel like oh mommy does not want me right um you basically show love by actions hmm so you know you just talk to your children I never baby-talk Zeppelin so it was always like if mommy needs five minutes just to regroup I would tell him mommy needs five minutes just for herself to calm down so that she can give you her undivided attention in baby terms or alga old they are but they understand that there's a understand yeah when you just do whatever you do and scream and holler and walk away but they don't get that so explain to your children what's going on not everything but you know if you're feeling a certain way don't I and I would say on the other hand what you what you have said at other times is that you know you can't explain everything to your kids and if your kid doesn't understand they need to trust you that's all you're the parent and they don't be listen and it's gonna be okay not to have to explain everything and Vince them because when I see parents want to convince their kids to do stuff I think yeah you can't have a candy now dinnertime in an hour from now then you can have what happens in my school all the time oh it's ridiculous and so I say mom mom stop stop stop you're not getting a piece of candy because your report says that you didn't have a good day thank you goodbye and they look at me like miss to me I know what I've seen on this show it but but but some of these are actually like they're so simple they're not even that complicated you go because our life is complicated because we're feeling because when I've seen you going to the house you're like you're like oh just a little mommy in that way and the mother is like hey does and there's complete unless yes in the home and I'm so glad you said that all of this is never complicated parenting is not complicated we make it complicated by not following through and not doing what we say we're gonna do a follow through but if if you do what you say and you really you know live the foundations of the Bible which is sta
Thanks for your comment Melda Cardonia, have a nice day.
- Nikki Kinloch, Staff Member
I was a strong-willed child I mean actually I'm still a really strong-willed person but the difference now is I don't argue with people anymore I don't feel like I have to be right all of the time so how did I change that's what this video is about we're going to talk about my story how I changed and six tips for how to get a strong-willed child to listen [Applause] yes I was strong-willed in fact I am pretty sure that I gave my parents all of their gray hairs they were probably praying every night what do we do with this child all she ever does is talk back and she argues with us one time I even hid my own parents that is not something that I am proud of I was definitely strong-willed and I didn't really want to hear what they had to say so long as they were manipulating me so what is strong-willed even mean strong-willed is the desire of a person to push themselves in the direction that they feel like is true that's a key piece for strong-willed people they have to be the one who is following the truth or who is right that's why they become obsessed with the fact that they're right they think they've found the truth and so they will not depart from it once they find it this can make them a little close-minded sometimes and maybe even a little bit oppositional to other truths that they really need to know so when I was a teenager I needed a vital truth this truth that I needed was that I had control over my own relationships more than I ever thought I did I felt like everything my parents were doing were just attacks on me that they were doing things to me so then I had to do things to them it was very much the classic power struggle that was a lie they weren't trying to do things to me most of the time probably sometimes they were because I probably pushed them to that place they wanted to teach me they wanted me to grow they wanted me to find more truth yet I thought that they were just controlling me and that was the only truth that I could see it wasn't until a good friend of mine told me a couple of truths about myself and they changed my life that I realized I had been missing vital truth and needed to pay more attention I had a friend who liked to speak the truth to me most of the time we got along sometimes I didn't like what she had to say but one day she confronted me about a lying problem that I had and she said you know nikoline we all know you're a liar none of us believe a thing you say you should choose to tell the truth and then she walked away from me and my strong-willed nature had a desire to conquer that problem I knew that my friends didn't even respect me at all they didn't want to be with me well she respected me enough to tell me that one truth but I was so glad she did because at that point I realized here I've been thinking a whole different way about these relationships with friends and I'm ruining my relationships instead of helping them I decided to create a skill set for myself for how to tell the truth she corrected me just by telling me one vital truth in a way that I needed to hear it with pure honesty respect and love oftentimes we lecture to our children we yell at our children to try to break into their wall to try to get them to see our way but that's not the way truth is delivered it's very different manipulation does not work my parents tried emotional tricks and they tried intimidation to make me feel afraid of them and none of that was truth to me it all felt like lies and controlling and a strong-willed person is looking for the truth when you feel the truth you know it's true there's just something that touches you deep inside where you say yes that resonates with me that's true that's what I was waiting for from my parents and it didn't come until I changed myself here are six tips for how to get a strong-willed child to listen number one use disk Chinn not reaction so when you are correcting someone you need to be describing what happened and what should have happened and not reacting reacting is a classic mistake because some of us have trained ourselves to react we have to overcome that in the moment of helping a person overcome their problem I've trained myself to describe by using a trigger phrase my trigger phrase is just now so I will say when something happens in my head something happened describe and then I say just now I gave you a no answer that you couldn't go back outside to play you looked at me you kept a calm face voice and body and you said okay but then you went out there anyway which means you didn't drop the subject those are the four steps to accepting a no answer so I would describe what they did well and what they didn't do then I would say what you should have done was you should have dropped the subject which means that you shouldn't have thought about it again and again you shouldn't have gone outside you should have found something else to do or ask me what other thing you could do so you see how this describing stops anything like you never listened to me here it is again I told you you couldn't go outside you said you wouldn't and I you did those are emotional reaction statements even if they're describing a little bit they feel manipulative they feel judgemental and the child will not respond especially if they're strong willed step number two be calm if the parent is calm it allows the truth to speak I hope you could see that in my last example when I was just describing what happened and what should have happened I was calm I was understanding I was supportive but I was definitely firm at the same time but in my second example where I started emotionally reacting and saying why did you do with this again you always do this and that kind of thing I was thinking only of myself and then I lost my calmness and then that truth couldn't come through plan what your calm voice will be plan what your calm face will be and what your body language will be when you're being calm with other people tip number three is to have a structure for how you will handle the problems with the children in our family we have certain skills we have four basic skills the children learn so that they can learn self mastery over themselves as parents we also use those four basic skills but then we also have five parenting skills that we use to teach the children how to fix the problems when they occur and these skills are all predictable they're scripted we decided we didn't like the script that was already in our head that felt a little emotional and we needed to replace it with a better script and we tell our children that we will use these all the time there is one key component to all of these very structured skillsets that we use and that is they appeal to the logic when you're correcting a person you don't want to appeal to their emotions that is not going to help a strong-willed child listen to you you have to appeal to their logic strong will people put a lot of stock into what make sense so having skillsets already in place that already makes sense make that way easier so use Corrections use skills appeal to the logic and they'll find more truth tip number four consistency help
Thanks 4dind6 your participation is very much appreciated
- Nikki Kinloch
About the author
I've studied apologetics at Trinity Christian College in Palos Heights and I am an expert in econometrics. I usually feel mad. My previous job was book editor I held this position for 10 years, I love talking about herp keeping and nascar. Huge fan of Machine Gun Kelly I practice broomball and collect cards.
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